Wednesday, April 26, 2017

A Day in the Life of Your Average Campus Leftist

Get up in the morning.  Take a shower…maybe.

Look in the mirror.  Decide that you don’t look different enough to attract attention and stand out from the commoners.  Dye your hair blue and red or tease your hair into dreadlocks.  Put on your favorite Mao Tse-tung t-shirt.  Make sure your tattoos show!  Now you’re ready to go.

Pedal your bike over to Starbucks to meet some friends.  Make sure at least one of those friends is gay.  Pay $5 of your parents’ hard-earned money for a giant latte.  Complain to your friends about Trump and capitalism while scrolling through Facebook on your Smartphone.  Make sure everyone around you can hear.  Be pleased with how smart and superior you sound.

Head to your first class, Thinking Gender:  An Introduction to Feminist Theory.  Participate in discussion using the word “like” at least 1,000 times.  Be pleased again with how smart and empathetic you sound.  Enjoy the delusion that you’re accomplishing something worthwhile.

Between classes pedal over to Planned Parenthood to pick up your taxpayer-subsidized birth control.  Be mad because they aren’t free.

Get a beansprout sandwich and Doritos for lunch.  While you eat peruse The Huffington Post because you pride yourself on being informed.  Pretend it’s not overwhelmingly biased.  Be awed by the opinions of Hollywood celebrities (because they know so much more than everyone else) and take great satisfaction in having your opinions validated.

Receive a tweet from a professor urging you to join tonight’s protest at your school against conservative b****, Ann Coulter.  Don’t think about the irony of a women’s studies professor calling another woman a b****.  Make a frowny face at the thought of Coulter’s “hateful” rhetoric about illegal immigration (they’re undocumented!).  Resolve to join the protest and shut Coulter down in the name of preserving free speech for those who deserve it.  Don’t consider the contradiction in that.

Spend the afternoon thinking about what to write on your anti-Ann Coulter poster.  After two and a half hours scrawl “F*** Ann Coulter” on a poster and smile at your own cleverness.  In a stroke of real genius write “Stop Hate” on the other side.

Go to the school and wait for instructions for your spontaneous protest.  Join the crowd blocking Coulter’s access to the venue.  Scream “Love, not hate!” while hurling hard objects at Coulter’s people and campus police.  Be righteously outraged when you think police are interfering with your sacred right to protest, and yell that you have a constitutional right to protest.  Be oblivious to your own hypocrisy about people’s rights. Whack a Coulter supporter in the head with your sign.  When he wrestles your sign away scream that you’re being sexually assaulted.

Head home, happy that you helped stop another conservative from sharing their message.  Feel relevant.  Don’t wonder what it is you’re so afraid to hear.  Suck your thumb while falling into a contented slumber.   Dream about being important.


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