Get up in the morning.
Take a shower…maybe.
Look in the mirror.
Decide that you don’t look different enough to attract attention and
stand out from the commoners. Dye your
hair blue and red or tease your hair into dreadlocks. Put on your favorite Mao Tse-tung
t-shirt. Make sure your tattoos show! Now you’re ready to go.
Pedal your bike over to Starbucks to meet some friends. Make sure at least one of those friends is
gay. Pay $5 of your parents’ hard-earned
money for a giant latte. Complain to
your friends about Trump and capitalism while scrolling through Facebook on
your Smartphone. Make sure everyone
around you can hear. Be pleased with how
smart and superior you sound.
Head to your first class, Thinking Gender: An Introduction to Feminist Theory. Participate in discussion using the word
“like” at least 1,000 times. Be pleased
again with how smart and empathetic you sound.
Enjoy the delusion that you’re accomplishing something worthwhile.
Between classes pedal over to Planned Parenthood to pick up
your taxpayer-subsidized birth control.
Be mad because they aren’t free.
Get a beansprout sandwich and Doritos for lunch. While you eat peruse The Huffington Post
because you pride yourself on being informed.
Pretend it’s not overwhelmingly biased.
Be awed by the opinions of Hollywood celebrities (because they know so
much more than everyone else) and take great satisfaction in having your
opinions validated.
Receive a tweet from a professor urging you to join
tonight’s protest at your school against conservative b****, Ann Coulter. Don’t think about the irony of a women’s
studies professor calling another woman a b****. Make a frowny face at the thought of
Coulter’s “hateful” rhetoric about illegal immigration (they’re
undocumented!). Resolve to join the
protest and shut Coulter down in the name of preserving free speech for those
who deserve it. Don’t consider the
contradiction in that.
Spend the afternoon thinking about what to write on your
anti-Ann Coulter poster. After two and a
half hours scrawl “F*** Ann Coulter” on a poster and smile at your own
cleverness. In a stroke of real genius
write “Stop Hate” on the other side.
Go to the school and wait for instructions for your spontaneous
protest. Join the crowd blocking
Coulter’s access to the venue. Scream
“Love, not hate!” while hurling hard objects at Coulter’s people and campus
police. Be righteously outraged when you
think police are interfering with your sacred right to protest, and yell that
you have a constitutional right to protest.
Be oblivious to your own hypocrisy about people’s rights. Whack a
Coulter supporter in the head with your sign.
When he wrestles your sign away scream that you’re being sexually
assaulted.
Head home, happy that you helped stop another conservative
from sharing their message. Feel
relevant. Don’t wonder what it is you’re
so afraid to hear. Suck your thumb while
falling into a contented slumber. Dream
about being important.
~CW
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